


Overload

by SailorLestrade



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: AU where energy drinks exist, Any Fandom Goes Bingo, Bingo, Paranoia, Radar can literally see the future, energy drinks, free space, hyper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27090406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorLestrade/pseuds/SailorLestrade
Summary: Radar wheels and deals with Sparky and gets an experimental drink from Norway.Prompt: "Free Space" for Any Fandom Goes Bingo on Tumblr.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	Overload

"Come on Sparky, you gotta do better than that." Radar told him. "Got any movies or something?"

" _ Oh come on Radar. I don't got anything else." _

"My captains will kill me if I give away a case of pressure bandages for anything less than Rita Hayworth." Radar told him. Sparky was looking around for something when he spotted the crate in the corner. It was from a cousin in Norway. A new drink that was supposed to be better than coffee. Sparky had drunk half of one of the cans it came in, and he could've ran laps with no problem.

" _ I got the perfect thing _ ." Sparky said with a smile.

****

Later that afternoon, a private from the 8063rd brought a crate to Radar in exchange for pressure bandages. The private had just pulled away when Hawkeye and Trapper approached.

"Watchya got there?" Trapper asked, nodding to the crate.

“This?” Radar asked. “Oh, I worked a deal with Sparky. He needed to get some bandages for one of the other units.”

“And we got...aftershave?” Hawkeye asked, looking over the can. “What is this?”

“He said it can replace coffee.” Radar explained. Trapper laughed.

“I’ll be the judge of that!” He took the container from Hawkeye, popped it up, and took a big drink. “Ugh! This stuff is disgusting.” He looked at the can again, shrugged, and took another drink.

“I thought you said it was disgusting.” Hawkeye commented.

“It grows on you.” Trapper told him, walking off with the drink in hand.

****

“Has anyone seen Trapper?” Hawkeye asked a few hours later. Trapper had decided to go for a run, which in itself was highly unlike him. Trapper had faked every kind of stone the human body could have in order to get out of morning exercises.

“No. Why?” Margaret asked as Hawkeye took a seat at the table where her and Frank were talking.

“He just has been missing for a few hours and if we’re separated that long, our wonder twin powers stop working.”

“Is everything a joke to you?” Frank huffed as he sipped his coffee.

“Only on days that end in Y.”

There was a commotion outside of the mess tent then. Hawkeye stood up to look.

“What is going on?” Frank asked as him and Margaret got up and followed Hawkeye out the door. They saw what was going on then. There, standing on top of a jeep with no shirt on, was Trapper John McIntyre.

“Trapper? What the hell are you doing?” Hawkeye asked.

“I am the lizard king! I can do anything!” Trapper called out.

“Has he been sniffing the ether?” Margaret asked. Hawkeye grabbed Trapper and pulled him out of the jeep. He could feel his heart racing.

“Trapper, what is going on?” Hawkeye asked.

“I am the walrus!” Trapper told him. “The walrus Hawkeye!”

“Okay, okay.” He told him. “Did you drink that whole drink Radar gave you?”

“Yes!” Trapper was bouncing.

“What are you talking about?” Margaret asked.

“Radar got some new kind of drink that is supposed to be a replacement for coffee,” Hawkeye told them. “And this is the result.”

“That’s absurd!” Frank shook his head.

“Don’t believe me? Go ask Radar.” Hawkeye told them. “I gotta take the zoo here back to the Swamp.” Trapper and Hawkeye headed back to the Swamp. Margaret headed towards Radar’s office.

“Where are you going?” Frank asked.

“To see if what they say is true.” Margaret told him. She walked into the office with Frank right behind her. Radar was staring into space, one of the drink containers sitting by him.

"Are you going to salute when officers walk in?" Frank asked, but Radar just stared ahead.

"A computer in every pocket." He whispered. "Every piece of information right there. Every form."

"What on earth are you babbling about Corporal?" Margaret asked. Radar turned to look at her.

"Buy Apple stock." He told her, almost like he was in a trance. "Buy in 1977 and never worry again."

"Has everyone in this camp gone mad?" Frank asked. He watched as Margaret grabbed one of the containers from the crate and examined it. "Margaret, what are you doing?" 

"I want to see if this has hallucinogens in it or what." Margaret opened the can and sniffed it.

"Margaret…" Frank watched as she took a drink.

"Oh, this is awful," she cringed. "Try it." She handed it to Frank.

"I'm not trying it!" Frank took a step back. "Mommy always told me to avoid drugs and just tell people no!"

"Frank, Corporal O'Reilly tried it. That makes him more of a man than you." Margaret told him.

"Beware of Luke's father," Radar whispered. "There is another Skywalker."

"Okay, I'll try it, but not here." Frank told her. The pair started to walk out.

"May the force be with you!" Radar called after them.

****

"I don't get it," Hawkeye commented as he watched Trapper bounce his legs like he was running in place. "I drank it and I don't feel like you do?"

"Whatdoyoumean?" Trapper spoke quicker than normal, his words blending to one large one.

"Well, I don't feel tired." Hawkeye told him. "But I don't feel manic. I feel like a normal person."

"I'mfinenothingwrongatall!" Trapper told him. Hawkeye sighed. Thats when he heard yelling from outside the tent. He went to the door just as Frank came barreling towards it, his arms covering his head.

"They're going to kill me!" He screeched as he dove into the Swamp and immediately went under his cot.

"Who’s going to kill you?" Hawkeye asked as he saw Frank's hand reach out to find his helmet.

" _ They _ are!" Frank finally found his helmet and pulled it under the cot with him.

"Who is 'they'?" Hawkeye asked, sitting on his cot and watching Frank's. 

"The Chinese! Russians! Koreans! You name them, they're trying to kill me!"

"Whatabouttheamericans?" Trapper asked quickly.

"Them too!"

Margaret came into the Swamp then, looking around.

"Where's Frank?" She asked.

“Frank, one of them is here to see you!” Hawkeye called out, to which he received a yelp as a response. Margaret walked over to Frank’s cot and lifted it with ease, staring down at the other major.

“Oh Margaret! Thank god!” Frank jumped to his feet as Margaret sat the cot back down. “They’re going to kill me!”

“Who?” Margaret asked.

“We’ve been trying to figure that one out ourselves.” Hawkeye told her. She looked over at him, then at Trapper, who was practically bouncing.

“What’s wrong with him?” She asked.

“That drink I think,” Hawkeye explained. “I drank it and it didn’t bug me. But it seems to be making him...whatever this is.”

"Apparently Frank is paranoid." Margaret pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I am not paranoid!" Frank told her before screaming and diving when a jeep backfired.

“Let’sgoforarun!” Trapper stood up and got ready to run when Hawkeye snagged his belt and pulled him back down.

****

“Hey Radar,” Henry greeted as he came back in from his R&R. “What did I miss?”

“Avoid the Texas Book Depository,” Radar whispered. “Beware the Grassy Knoll.”

“What?” Henry stopped and stared at the clerk. “Is there a gas leak in here?”

“Men will go to the moon Colonel!” Radar told him.

“Okay, that’s it. Come on.” Henry got Radar on his feet, when he noticed the now half empty crate. “What is this?” He grabbed one of the containers and sighed. “Where’d you get this?”

“Sparky.” Radar told him.

“Who all had some of it?” Henry asked.

“Captains Pierce and McIntyre and Majors Burns and Houlihan.” Radar reported. Henry nodded and went to the mic for the PA. After calling for the four to meet in the mess tent, Henry dragged Radar there. He had just sat a big cup of water in front of Radar when Trapper came running in with Hawkeye following right behind. A moment later, Margaret was dragging Frank in.

“Welcome...back....colonel,” Margaret breathed when she finally got Frank in a seat.

“Hihihihihi!” Trapper said, bouncing around.

“Well, hi Tigger.” Henry sighed. “You seem to be a little wired.”

“I think Frank and Trapper are having a little bit of a bad reaction to the drinks Sparky sent us.” Hawkeye explained.

“Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland!” Radar told them all before Henry motioned for him to drink his water.

“Okay then…” Hawkeye side eyed the corporal.

“Radar told me to buy Apple. That’s code word for something, right?” Frank asked, holding a fork in case of an attack. “May the force be with you. That’s a sign for them to attack me!”

“Okay, so I’m prescribing water and lots of it.” Henry told them. “This stuff is showing up in Tokyo and for the most part, it’s having the same effects it’s having on you guys. On inspection of it, it has almost double the caffeine as coffee, which might work during surgery as long as Trapper can stand still and Frank doesn’t think that someone is going to kill him.”

“Kill me? Where are they?” Frank looked around and Henry sighed.

“I’m sending the rest of that on a supply truck somewhere else. MAke it someone else's problem.” He poured water and set it in front of Frank and Trapper. “Are you two feeling anything?”

“Outside of not being our normal tired selves, no.” Margaret told him. Henry nodded.

“Good. Keep it that way.” Henry went to head out of the mess tent. “I need a shower and sleep after dealing with you guys. I’ll see you later.” He left, leaving everyone there with their water.

“Hawk?” Trapper was already starting to calm down after drinking well over half his cup of water. “Think we can get that stuff to brew in the still? We can market it to tired college kids.”

“Yeah? And what are we calling it?” Hawkeye asked.

“Scarlet Buffalo.” Trapper said proudly. Hawkeye shook his head. “Yeah, you’re right. And I think I’m ready for a nap.” Trapper drank the rest of his water and they headed back to the Swamp, leaving Margaret to deal with Frank and Radar.


End file.
